hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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