ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
