I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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