and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
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Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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