this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
