It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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