just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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