I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
