My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Actions speak louder than pants.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
