I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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