im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
