We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
