I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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