You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
