so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
