K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
