i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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