Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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