Say something about gay babies.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
