hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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