Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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