you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
