I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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