Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Your cock deserves a montage
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There are leaves in my underwear?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
