I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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