don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
