Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
