Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my phone needs a breathalizer
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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