I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
