ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
