I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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