I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's official drugs can't kill me
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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