I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
