Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
