I wannas sexs uuuuu
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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