shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
