You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
