The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
