I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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