You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
