my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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