i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
