I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
