Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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