Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I supernannyed him into submission
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
