My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
