i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
