I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
