But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
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