Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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