I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
