I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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